It's ON

So.

Spring "break" is over. Was there a break in there? I must have missed it. oy. Did a lot of soul searching over the past couple of weeks, and made a clean break with some old demons. What a relief.

Attended 100% of my classes today, handed 100% of my assignments, made a B+ on my poli midterm, and have not studied for anthro exam tomorrow.

Am exhausted and sore beyond belief, but tired of feeling sick.

Broke a promise this morning and am not worried about it right now, although somewhat disappointed.

6 weeks of school left. Six stellar weeks. Make it so.

~Please~ Remember This

They say when you die that your entire life flashes before your eyes in an instant.

For me this process is taking several days. But it is happening.

And I am glad to see it go.

Inevitable

Well, i just don't know how to sum up what the weekend in Sydney was like. It was right. I am so glad we went. My hermana made a list. I copied it (with minor edits to suit my own perspective) because she hit the nail on the head. {my comments in italics}.

the ecma's were great fun. jill barber was my pick o' the weekend. she is fabulous.
{i liked carmen townsend a lot, even though i missed a lot of her set because i was smoking dope in the parking lot}

maybe juevenile, but here's my lists.
favourite moments:
- picking up some hippy hitchhikers who smelled like they washed with rum (supposedly for good karma)
- getting stopped by the rcmp after stopping to let out hitchhikers and not getting a ticket
- hollering along with skid row, coming into sydney
- ordering pizza and having a little party in 107
- harassing chris murphy and jian ghomeshi at every opportunity{god, that was fun!!}
- jill pinching jian ghomeshi's ass
- free breakfast at midnight, including champagne and orange juice {could have been the highlight}
- jill's hairdresser, and his wild goose chases {i loved that guy!!!!}
- hearing later that organizers had enough food to feed 500, but ran out after serving 300 ("my buddy alone ate a pound and a half of bacon...")
- back stage at centre 200 or whatever it's called (so exciting.) {oh my god, that gave me the fever!!!!}
- seeing the dressing room backstage for " -> nathan wiley's dancers" {look halfway down that page for comment by s.w.a.c regarding said dancers. hahahahahaha!}
- roses for ashley and joel {sooooooo much fun!!!}
- shopping at the mayflower mall
- driving around all day on sunday ("we are fucked.") {but just when you think you're really fucked, you find the Clansman!!!}
- hanging out with isaac {i'm ok, no problem}
- burgers at jasper's {sub mission: harassing jian & chris}
- the rita macneil tribute {men of the deeps!!! go rita, go!!!}
- the weakerthans {disassemble my despair, it never got me anywhere, it never once bought me a drink}

least favourite moments:
- not getting a smoking room -( "i don't know who made the reservation for you, dear, but...")
- waiting forever for breakfast at the mapleleaf
- finding the pot room, but not finding any pot
- missing tyler messick at smooth herman's
- missing joel plaskett all around town, everywhere. why?
- too much smoking
- driving around all day on sunday
- scary driving sunday night
- asshole who was the king of the tim horton's parking lot when we were late for the big show
- why did it have to be sooo cold?!?
- eating at dairy queen, but it had to be done

i love rock and roll.

MRI Completes Successful Mission

Back from the ECMA's in Sydney.
Lots to hear.
Lots to say.
Lots to think about.
Many unforgettable (yet hazy) moments.

Will write more soon, just waiting for the fog to lift.

Once again, music leads the way to love.
(well, maybe that is the drugs and alcohol).

Good times.

Let Everything Slide, Go Along for the Ride

We all said we weren't going to the Marquee, but there we ended up... Moffat, Sorbet, Clay & Mo, unbeknownst to one another but we couldn't stay away, could we?

I said today would be a funeral, but I'm not sure if it was as easy as it should have been.

It's the year of the cock, which is good news for everyone, if you ask me.

I cut my teeth on hell.

I remember the first time i went there, with Becky & Adam Copas.

I miss it.

Takin' Out The Trash

Last April, I had a breakthrough. It involved some drugs, a song and about 48 hours of crying. During the process of those couple of days, I set somebody free.
(I know this sounds melodramatic, but it was.)

Currently, I am having a similar experience (minus the drugs, the song & the crying - although these things may be forthcoming). This time, I am setting myself free.

So far, so good.

The Rock Box

I opened the rock box this morning over coffee. We made a list and called it "The Top Ten Most Shocking Moments in Hell". It digressed into a much longer list about a lot of other stuff. We even got a call-in from our rock & roll reporter in the field.

So all day I've been thinking about that stuff. And I've been going through the box.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday Feb. 8th, 2001
...these things that are now incidents, entertainment...it's.YOUR.LIFE - they form you - they are with you ALWAYS - they become part of your history, your STORY. WHY? why us? why here? why now?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She says, "You can't repeat the past." I say, "You can't? What do you mean, you can't? Of course you can."

Let There Be Light

That's right, light.
As in at the end of the tunnel.

Adopting debt to crawl out of debt, which seems somewhat strange but what a huge relief.

Day one of sticking to a responsible plan is going considerably well, with very few minor hiccups.

Despite the previous post, my parents have come through for me in a huge way and once again i am grateful beyond words.

I just might make it after all.

You Can Always Lose a Little More

I was really looking forward to hanging out with my folks this weekend. I fucked it up. It got fucked up. We are fucked up. I don't know why, it's a combination of personality flaws and history and fear & sadness. It could have been lack of food (never good for the state of mind), perhaps PMS... was it the influence of the live portrayal of a highly dysfunctional (but not unrelatable) family? Who knows.

I realized last week that i have a lot on my mind. I've just been pretending that I don't.

Saturday i power puked it out - in tears, in profanity, in rage. It was sad. I worried mom & dad, i hurt their feelings, i made them sad, i freaked them out. It's hard to recover from one of these legendary meltdowns. We tried, we ate dinner, we shopped at the ASS, but there was still that heavy heavy sadness underneath it all, and nothing any of us could say to undo the fucking screaming in the middle of barrington street.

In such circumstances, there is a point where i realize that all the badness is a result of my insanity. That at some point my despair or confusion or frustration or whatever it is has flipped the switch, and i have succeeded in achieving the exact opposite result of the one i had hoped for. Then the remorse kicks in. The self flagellation, the sobriety of reality, the icy grip of loneliness.

I had a lot of stuff to discuss with the folks, we got derailed and never got around to it. We had to spend all our time licking wounds and attempting to make amends.

It is imperative that I stop disgusting myself. I have tried, this weekend, to put the push on for improvement. I have failed at it several times this weekend. I have succeeded also. Family dischord like i experienced yesterday, that has no basis in rationality or sanity, takes the wind out of my sails. It stops me dead in my tracks. I'm reeling from the blow.

I'm a bull in a china shop.

I found a mouse corpse in the middle of the living room floor tonight. I guess it was minnie. As usual, he seemed to appear there out of nowhere just as he always did in life. I scooped him into a grocery bag and threw him in the dumpster. Mouse heaven, really, when you consider the fiesta of rotting food he is laid to rest in. It was nice to know you, minnie.

My aunt & uncles quizzed me on my love life tonight. It was a short conversation. Basically the question they are really asking is: "why are you single?"

I have a million answers, but the one I always say out loud (while laughing off the stabbing sensation in my gut) is: "you tell me".

This Place Ain't Doing Me Any Good

I don't fit into my life properly. I am displaced. This is the kind of feeling that makes me talk about leaving town. I can't leave town, but were I in a position to do so, I would be talking about it now. I have lived in The Velvet Underground for a year, the longest I have lived in any apartment since moving back here in 2000. My circannual rhythms are kicking in.

What happens now, when my friends figure out the way I feel....?

I want to disappear for a little while.